How to Write in 125,000 Easy Steps!

Yes, it's true, and I should know; nobody never wrote a book on "How to Write Creatively" that ever did anybody a damn bit of good. Never. I'm sorry of your aunt found out you were a beginning writer and bought you Become the Next Hemingway Overnight for your Bah Mitzvah, Birthday, or Getting out of Rehab party, or whatever, but it ain't gonaa do you no good, as they say at Oxford.

There is a secret to writing, though, and none of the money grubbing bastards who write those "How to Write" books will ever tell you. Some of them are bitter. Some are, perhaps, deranged. But they are all wrong. If there is a "secret" to writing, it is this: there is no 'secret.'

Writing is a lonely task. It is a sometimes painful and irritating undertaking. No one wants to hear about what you are writing, except perhaps other writers, for validation. And if you know other real writers, you are lucky.

The only way to write is to sit down and do it. Cut the bullshit, and sit down and do it. If you have an idea worth a shit, get after writing it down. As Tom Waits sings, you gotta get behind the mule. Equip yourself with a thesaurus, a dictionary, and maybe some strong coffee (or, hey, bourbon, if that's you thing.)
and write.

That's the only way I know how to do it. If you have discovered another way, write it on a fifty dollar bill and mail it to me. But you haven't. Luck to you all. And keep writing. Don't let some dead-end asshole who thinks he's a writer and never writes anything fill you full of bullshit. Put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, and let your muse speak to you.