Never let Your Guard Down.

They are lying in wait for you. Expect an enemy counterattack at any time. If, like me, you have equipped yourself with suitable provisions, you might be able to outlast them. As of Friday, April 13, 2006, I have equipped myself with the following provisions:

1. A quart of gin.
2. A bottle of cheap, dry, white wine; never buy Vermouth; it is a marketing ploy for the ignorant.
3. Two moist towellettes found in my pocket after a drunken trip to the local diner.
4. A half-gallon of gin.
5. Another half-gallon of gin.
6. Two towels; one lima green, the other…white?
7. Black Velvet Painting of some dogs drinking gin (Painting, Ebay, $23.43).
8. Radio that runs off the power of human thought waves. See above.
9. Indispensable, purple cover with yellowish type paperback copy of The Catcher in the Rye.
10. Rye Whiskey (Half Gallon)
11. Seven new White T-Shirts (no pocket)
12. Two pairs underwear.
13. Army Survival Guide; canteen full of gin.
14. Six-pack of Heineken.
15. 24-pack of microwavable burritos, bean flavor.
16. Two Pabst Blue Ribbons I found on the sidewalk (now chilled)
17. Bottle of 100 aspirin
18. 1993 Penthouse Pet of the Year Runners up issue (Good condition)
19. Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary.
20. Ace bandage.

Thus fortified, I expect to repel any boarder, mugwump, or Jehovah’s Witnesses, excepting the most determined. Those who make it past such formidable defenses, I am sure, will be disposed to a mutual and hard-won fellowship, if initially begrudging, with their former adversary, as we are now brothers in arms. That is, as long as they keep their hands off my alcohol. The bastards.